But thankfully, God is the One most willing and able to forgive sin. David acknowledged God’s incredible “lovingkindness” and “tender mercies” (Ps. 51:1). God not only desires to forgive us, but has made payment for our sins in Christ Jesus. He wants to reveal His forgiveness toward us and set us free from our sins.

Based on His forgiveness of us, he calls us to forgive all others. He taught us to pray (Luke 11:4), “forgive us our sins, For we also forgive everyone who is indebted to us.” But notice that He seems to be linking our forgiveness of others as a pre-requisite for receiving forgiveness ourselves. In the same context (“The Lord’s Prayer) in Matthew 5:14-15 He added, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

I’m not certain how to resolve the theological intricacies of this. But clearly our forgiving others is a major issue. We need to be forgiving.

Most Christians I know are like me in that we truly want to forgive others, but find it difficult to actually do. As early as Leviticus 19:18 God said told His people not to “bear any grudge against the children of your people.” But I often don’t even realize I am holding grudges. God is gracious to expose my bitterness, but then what?

Just last week I received a call from a sister asking for counsel regarding dealing with her “dysfunctional family.” Her children were disrespectful, disobedient, and worldly. Her husband was not being the spiritual leader she knew he wanted to be. Implicit in her questions was the notion that if she could somehow get them to change, everything would be better.

We are seldom called to try to change others when we have conflicts. Ultimately our efforts to change others are usually a form of idolatry, revealing that we are seeking something from them that we should be allowing God to provide.

Besides, although from time to time the Lord uses each of us as vessels to benefit others, we can’t really change anyone else. We are only responsible for our own responses to the Lord. Others’ actions, words, and attitudes are beyond our control.

So when I counsel people, I seldom talk about what others in their lives should do, or what they should expect from others. Instead, I focus on what God does want them to accept responsibility for, and what He will give them grace to to in their own lives. I make it clear that I am not defending the other parties or denying that they have sinned. But talking of the other person’s faults isn’t fruitful, and is more likely to be counter-productive as it more deeply entrenches the bitterness against them.

In this poor sister’s case, she had just had a conflict with one of her sons, and was seething with rage. Her anger was no doubt justifiable, but was producing bitterness that was defiling all her relationships. I advised her to first look to Jesus and return to her rest in Him. This is the only place where we can find forgiveness for ourselves or receive true grace to forgive others.

As I talked (mostly listened) with her, and tried to help her see how she could bring all of her relationships to the cross, she began to calm down a little, but either because of her current stressed situation or from habits formed over many years, repeatedly jumped to conclusions my counsel was not leading toward. In the end, she essentially said she would try harder to forgive, and thanked me for my counsel.

This sister didn’t give me her address, but I began thinking of what the Lord might have me write to her if she called back and gave it to me. (I am hoping that perhaps she is reading this article.) I thought of some counsel I had recently written to a brother who was struggling with bitterness toward someone he had previously been very close to. Let me share a modified form of my letter to him, with some thoughts I suspect apply to most of us from time to time. We all have experience with being hurt by others. How do you conquer bitterness? I wrote something like this:

Hi Brother. I'm so sorry to hear this. I ache for you. I know you have invested a lot in this other person. It is understandable that you feel a bit cheated.

As understandable and justifiable as your feelings are, I am worried for you. I want to encourage you to find the Lord's grace for forgiveness toward them. As difficult as this is, you know being hurt by others is not an uncommon experience. You've gone through it before, and this likely won't be the last time. But this one hurts more deeply than some, because of the sweetness of your past relationship with them. I share the pain of that loss. If you and I aren't careful we can allow bitterness to creep in, and that is just what the enemy intends.

Over the years I have had many times when I felt betrayed. In some cases the injury has even been intentional on the part of the perpetrator. My temptation is to harbor ill feelings toward the person. I must confess that this continues to be a struggle. But I know that unless I cry out to the Lord and find a place for His mercy for the person in my heart, the bitterness will eat away at me, steal my joy, and render me largely ineffective for the kingdom of God.

Apparently this is what the writer of Hebrews (12:15) had in mind when he warned the readers to "[look] carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any ROOT OF BITTERNESS springing up cause trouble, and by this MANY BECOME DEFILED." I have seen how I (and others) have been defiled by my bitterness. When I have been hurt by someone, I try to minister in the Spirit, but until I have been able to forgive the one who hurt me, I seem hardened and unable to sense the Lord. And my hardness seems to often infect those I'm trying to serve.

But how can I truly forgive someone who has done great harm to me or someone I love? I choose to forgive them, but the feelings of betrayal are still there. When I think of them, my mind replays the ways they have injured me.

Certainly, purposing to forgive is an important start. Asking God for help is also essential, as I find I can't get my heart to follow my will. Perhaps even fasting about my bitterness is called for, although my mind is deceitful enough that every memory of my hunger may more deeply entrench my bitterness, as I recall why I'm fasting.

One other thing I have found to help is to ask God to show me ways to not just forgive, but to actually love the individual. If I can find ways to serve them, even without their knowledge, my heart begins to have a vested interest in seeing my investment pay off. Jesus said (Matt. 6:21) that "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." If I can find a way to invest in someone (put my treasure in them) it is more likely I will be inclined to love them (my heart will be with them).

I remember when I first really learned this principle. There was a particular woman who was continually being hateful toward me, intentionally trying to make my life miserable. I was struggling with bitterness toward her, trying to treat her nicely, but seething inside. I knew I lacked love, but seemed incapable of truly loving her as her hateful onslaught continued. As I cried out to the Lord for help, He reminded me of an insight I had heard from someone else, that if you truly want to love someone who is difficult to love, invest in them.

This woman wouldn't receive anything from me, but I began secretly doing nice things for her. I started spreading good reports about her. I looked for needs in her life and secretly provided for them. As I invested in her without her knowledge, I began to enjoy watching to see if she was blessed by what I did. I wasn't expecting any acknowledgment, since I knew she didn't know it was me doing these things. Besides, she hated me, but I was coming to feel compassion for her. In my heart I rejoiced when I saw good things result. Gradually I found that my heart toward her truly was one of loving joy. Somehow that must have become apparent to her, and she began to soften. She had been bitter at me for some actions I had followed, under orders from an authority, and she perceived me as her enemy. But over a period of a couple of years she gradually became more cordial, and eventually explained her antagonism and purposed to change. She saw that I was sincerely seeking her good.

But what I found particularly gratifying was the way my own heart changed. It wasn't a result of a change in this woman, but rather a cause of her change. I hadn't initially been nice to her primarily for her sake, but in order to overcome my own bitterness. The Lord gave me grace to truly forgive her from my heart, and show her His love. For me, the key to this victory was in letting God show me ways to find delight in investing in her.

I wonder if the Lord might bring you comfort, and healing to the wounds of this episode in a similar way. In any event, although I deeply share your disappointment, I urge you to seek the Lord to give you special grace to joyfully forgive them. And who knows? They may later humble themselves and repent of their betrayal.
 

Perhaps you have further insights for me and others who read this article about conquering bitterness. Please add your thoughts in the comments below. (Comments are moderated, but respectful, reasonable comments are welcome, whether or not they are in agreement with the article.)

As a point of interest, here is the brother's reply to my letter:

Hi Jonathan,

Thanks for your prompt reply and above all for your encouragement and admonishings. This is so important and so helpful. I wasn't even aware of the bitterness and even hatred towards them. I must be careful and guard my heart like you suggested. Thanks for opening my eyes to something I wasn't aware of.