Bold Christian Living

There are increasing numbers of single Christian women who are no longer "young women" in the view of most people. Yet they still hope to marry, and are desiring scriptural direction on the process they should anticipate and prepare for.

I heard the frustration again. Here is a response I wrote to an e-mail I received. The following note was sent through our website, with the subject line "Betrothal for Older People":

"Hello! I have read and agreed (with much delight) on everything you have written regarding betrothal. I was hoping for guidance in my situation, which I am sure is not unique.

"I am in my mid-thirties and just came to know the Lord 2.5 years ago. My father and I are somewhat estranged (he professes faith in Christ but is living in and excusing some major sin in his life). We have never really been close.

"My question is what would biblical betrothal look like for a woman of my age and circumstance? Of course I will be seeking the Lord on this matter but would value your input."

Let me preface my response by commending your recognition that while you value the counsel of mature Christians, you need to seek the Lord for His guidance. Ultimately He is our Teacher & Shepherd. He does often choose to use human vessels to instruct us, but the role of any Biblical counselor, including me, is to direct you to what God's word instructs, and then to seek the Lord for guidance on how to actually walk out His will in your situation. My opinions and interpretations, as much as I want to be used of the Lord, are simply that of a man. As you noted, you must go before the Lord in the light of His word, on this and every other question.

As you suggested, your situation is not unique. For whatever reasons, there seems to be a growing segment of Christian women who are no longer "young women" who are single, yet still sense the Lord intends for them to marry. In many cases they are no longer living with their parents. Most of the focus of Biblical teaching on God's ways for romance and marriage has been in the context of younger people still living at home. This prompts you and others to wonder what biblical betrothal would look like for a woman of your age and circumstance.

Yours is an excellent question that deserves as thorough an answer as possible. The short, quick answer is that while God is incredibly creative in guiding each of us individually, and no two stories are likely to be identical, the principles of God's ways remain the same regardless of our age and circumstances. But let's explore this a bit more closely.

The distinctive of betrothal is commitment. Most of those encouraging a return to the Biblical betrothal pattern were first committed to what has come to be called "courtship." The key to courtship is the parents' wholehearted blessing. While I see parental blessing as important in betrothal as well, the parents' role is not the primary issue in betrothal. The central element of betrothal is that it is a virtually irrevocable covenant.

Still, Biblically, the parents' role (and particularly that of a woman's father) is very significant. I suppose it is theoretically conceivable the Lord would lead a woman to enter a betrothal covenant and marry without her father's blessing, but I would not recommend assuming that without a direct revelation confirmed by other godly people. Even then, this would seem to me to be scripturally exceptional.

We are not under the law, but one of the major roles of scripture is to instruct us regarding what is normative. We are to be led by the Spirit, but the scripture is intended to help us "incline our hearts" to God's ways by anticipating (leaning toward) what the Spirit is likely to lead.

With that in mind, in Numbers 30 there is an interesting discussion about the vows of women. A woman's father, or if she is married, her husband, can overrule any vow she makes, in the day he hears of it. If he disagrees with the vow and renounces it on that day, it is not a valid vow in God's eyes. However, if he lets that initial day pass after hearing it, he can no longer overrule the vow, and it "shall stand" (Num. 30:4).

The underlying principle is that God intends most women to be protected by the man who is her authority. The next verse (Num. 30:5) confirms, "But if her father overrules her on the day that he hears, then none of her vows nor her agreements by which she has bound herself shall stand; and the LORD will release her, because her father overruled her." The passage goes on to apply this principle to married women with their husbands.

The only exceptions given are widows and divorcees (Num. 30:9). Since you are apparently neither of these, I would advise you to assume the passage as normative instruction for you. However, recently there have been some who see another exception in the passage. The opening description (Num. 30:3) introduces the context of woman (apparently single) "while in her father's house in her youth." A few now suggest that a single woman who is no longer living "in her father's house," is another exception. I am not persuaded of this. Instead, I see the two exceptions in verse nine as clarifying that the scriptural norm is that the only women who are to normally live without a father or husband as protector are those who have already been married. Thus a woman is to remain in her father's house until she is married.

Today, however, many single Christian women cannot live this out. Their parents have encouraged, or even required, them to live independently once they reached a certain age. Although I don't believe this practice is scriptural, there are Christian women who don't have the option of living "in [their] father's house." Even so, I believe there is a spiritual reality reflected in the scriptural admonition that God intends to benefit these sisters. Although their fathers are not fulfilling their God-ordained responsibility (generally through ignorance, or because of societal expectations to the contrary), I believe there is still a spiritual authority God intends to wield through them that can protect their daughters.

At the very least, I would advise that if you entered a betrothal covenant, and if the day your father learned of it he expressed displeasure, that you let him know he has the authority to revoke your vow, and you would honor his authority in this. However, I urge you to go further. I would advise that before you consider a betrothal relationship, you make sure that your father has given his whole-hearted blessing.

Yet, as with many other single women, you have the added handicap of doubting your father's walk with the Lord. You suggest that he "is living in and excusing some major sin in his life." The implication is that his carnal (sinful) spiritual state disqualifies him from exercising spiritual authority, and probably even giving worthwhile counsel. However, ultimately each of us had imperfect parents. (And each of us who are parents are imperfect ourselves.) God has chosen to guide people through their flawed authorities. Parental authority isn't based on spiritual qualifications, but rather on God's sovereign intention.

Proverbs 21:1 tells us, "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes." Certainly if your father asked you to do something you knew to be sin, or forbade you to do something you were certain God required of you, you would have to "obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29). But that unlikely scenario is too convenient for our flesh to raise when it is seeking to rationalize independence. There are several examples in scripture of God using His people's submission to ungodly authorities to accomplish His will. Honor and obedience to parents is not dependent on their spiritual state, but rather that of the one doing the honoring." God manipulates even wicked civil authorities to accomplish His will.

Joseph and Mary were forced, apparently against their will, to travel to Bethlehem for a taxation census commanded by a godless Roman emperor. Their submission to this mandate is what the Lord used to fulfill the prophecy that the Messiah would be born in Bethlehem. He uses ungodly civil authorities as His "ministers" (Rom. 13:1-7). even without their intention and awareness, and calls for His people to submit to these rulers regardless of their worthiness (1 Pet. 2:13-17).

Similarly the scriptural direction for wives to submit to their husbands is not based on the man's correct standing with God. A wife submits to her husband "as unto the Lord" (Eph. 5:22). There is no husband anywhere who is perfect, and thus worthy of his wife's yieldedness to him "in everything" (Eph. 5:24). But this is not about the husband's worthiness. It is rather a matter of God's design for the protection of guidance of the sisters in the body of Christ. Some women would rather submit to another man, such as a famous teacher or a pastor/elder of their church. But God's word is repeatedly clear in emphasizing that they follow their "own husband" (1 Cor. 14:35; Eph. 5:22, 24; Col 3:18; Tit. 2:5; 1 Pet. 3:1, 5).

The New Testament specifically deals with how a wife should honor and yield to even a husband who is not obeying God. 1 Peter 3:1 says, "Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives."

So what if there is a father who "does not obey the word?" Should his children still honor and obey him? Again, if any authority (government official, husband, employer, parent) requires us to sin, "We ought to obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29). But otherwise, we are to demonstrate our yieldedness to God by letting Him use these authorities to direct and protect us. He will use our submission to imperfect authorities to guide us.

With all this in mind, I recommend that you first seek the Lord about returning to you father's house if he would welcome that. It may be that the Lord would use your embrace of your father's direct, active headship as preparation for following the leadership of a future husband.

But perhaps your father would prefer that you live independently. Even if your father refused to welcome you living in his house, you could still benefit from the spiritual protection God intends through even seriously flawed fathers by finding other ways to honor him. Committing to yield to his direction in any area of your life in which you know you would not be disobeying God, would be the most clearly scriptural way to honor him.

If your father truly resists providing spiritual protection to you, for whatever reason, it would seem to me to be wise to seek his approval to seek the oversight of godly elders who would serve as something of surrogate fathers (or sort of uncles) in advising you and watching out for you. You may even be wise to welcome some elder who would fulfill the role of an adoptive father as a "kinsman redeemer."

Particularly in the matter of a potential marriage, I would advise you to have an understanding with your father that you would welcome as much leadership as he is willing to exercise in the process. If he is willing to screen men who might show an interest in you, that would be wonderful. If some man began to pursue you, you could then direct him to your father.

But even if your father resisted any participation in such a process, I am sure he would feel honored, and the Lord would be pleased, if you committed that regardless of his level of participation in the process, if you discern he is displeased with a prospective betrothal covenant, you will not enter into it. And if you do enter into a betrothal covenant, I would urge you to be clear that if your father disagrees with it on the day he hears of it, your betrothal covenant is revoked.

(However, if you enter into a betrothal, and your father either blesses it or says nothing, and then another day wants you to break the covenant, scripture is clear that the covenant is now in place and binding. It can no longer be revoked except for the cause of infidelity.)

We are not under the law, but His "law is good if one uses it lawfully" (1 Tim. 1:8). Just as God's regulation of marriage is universal, there is no valid reason to doubt that God's ways revealed in scripture for betrothal are relative to different cultures. Scriptural truths revealing God's ways apply to everyone in every culture until we are no longer in the age when we "marry and are given in marriage" (Luke 20:34-35).

(How would you have responded to this sister's letter? If you have additional thoughts, responses, or questions, we encourage you to leave a comment below. Comments are moderated, but respectful, reasonable comments are welcome, whether or not they are in agreement with the article.)

	2. Written by Ross on 12-12-2007 13:41 - Registered
	A somewhat different approach Dear Jonathan There is an old joke in management education that says, "when you are up to your [rear] fighting the alligators, it's hard to remember that your original mission was to drain the swamp". Over the years, I've followed the arguments over the years from the courtship movement, and looked at your contributions arguing the case for betrothal. But I wonder if along the way we have got bogged down in the process (courtship/betrothal), by taking Scripture's teachings on the matter and applying them in such a way that diminishing returns have set in. That is, I wonder if we have got so concerned with the 'right' procedure, that it has got to the point that godly and otherwise perfectly viable Christian marriages are being stopped from happening. That was surely not the intention. I respect your convictions about betrothal, but I wonder in this case if trying to apply 'every jot and tittle of the law' will do more harm than good. There are many more single women than single men in the Christian community; this is a function of how our evangelism works much better with adult women than adult men. The net effect is that your correspondent has some significant challenges to getting married, no matter how she goes about it. I think in the case above, I would concur with the advice that she take Christian counsel, but I would not be quite so legally-minded as to how she negotiates the path to marriage. Report