|
Have you ever wondered why in scripture a legal divorce was required to break an engagement (betrothal)? I wonder if the answer to this question might possibly point us toward scriptural principles that would provide protection for Christian young people against the wounds so many of us, their parents, still bear from our "dating" experience.
Youthful Romance: Scriptural Patterns
by Jonathan Lindvall
Many of us recall with real regret the broken relationships during our youth that have scarred us. Even those of us who were blessed to be trained with strong scriptural conviction against sexual immorality still usually participated to some degree in the seemingly obligatory dating rituals that even the church has conformed to. Personally, I cringe at recollections of unintentionally playing emotional games with the vulnerable emotions of my dating partners--leaving my own and others hearts bruised in the wake.
As in our younger days, while our young people seek to find their balance between the pressures of hormones, peer acceptance, and the conviction of the Holy Spirit, it seems that the church looks on benignly assuming that multiple dating experiences are healthy preparation for later marital stability. The problem is, dating is a temporary romantic relationship. This temporariness logically necessitates a conclusion--"breaking up."
Western culture has, for some time, been experiencing an ongoing epidemic of broken marriages. Is it possible that although "breaking up is hard to do," the more you do it the better you get at it? Years ago, as a young, single Youth Minister I came to the conclusion that dating was preparation for divorce rather than for marriage. This led to a whole series of insights showing the benefits of "courting" as opposed to "dating."
Historical Roots of Dating
Questioning the institution of dating is a rather novel notion to most Americans. After all, how else would one ever get married? Few realize, though, that dating is a relatively recent historical phenomenon. It arose out of the eighteenth century philosophical movement we now call "Romanticism" which emphasized, among other things, passion rather than logic. Writers such as Jean Jacques Rousseau lamented that Western civilization had fallen into the "error" of exalting reason over feelings. He proposed making decisions based on emotions rather than intellect.
This philosophy had far-reaching implications, impacting the arts, literature, government, and many other areas of society. Of interest to our discussion, though, is its effects on relationships between men and women. While love between husbands and wives has always been assumed, it was generally not perceived as a pre-requisite for entering marriage. Rather, it was understood that married partners would grow to love one another. Other factors in weighing marriage decisions were generally considered to be more significant.
Throughout history Christians have taken the scriptural mandates to love their spouse (Eph. 5:25; Tit. 2:4) as implying that love follows marriage. In other words, you should love the one you marry. Christian Romantics taught the converse: you should marry the one you love. At first glance there may not appear to be much conflict between these two ideas. But as we will see there are significant differences in the long-term fruit of these opposite teachings.
Some Romantic philosophers took their assumptions to their logical conclusion and proposed that one might have, and appropriately cultivate, emotional love-feelings for one who was not their spouse. This might take place both before and after one was married. Those who continued to hold to the sanctity of the physical relationship within marriage portrayed the emotion-only love affairs as noble, extolling secret romances in which the parties fanned the flame of their passions without giving release to physical affections.
The church has rightly rejected the proposition of being married to one person while harboring romantic feelings for another. However we have largely accepted the practice of emotion-only romance between non-married partners prior to marriage. We generally have taught that it is acceptable and even healthy for Christian singles to cultivate and express such feelings toward one another without requiring any permanent commitment as long as there is no physical involvement. Thus Christian young people are encouraged to kindle temporary infatuations into fever-pitched passions without fulfilling their lusts physically. While Jesus taught us to pray as children to our Father, "Lead us not into temptation" (Matt. 6:13) by accepting the world s dating patterns we lead our young people into temptation. I fear that those of us who promote such dabbling with hormonal temptations fit perfectly Christ s dire warnings about "offenses" toward children and the reference to "millstones" for those who cause them (Matt. 18:6-7).
Emotional Rights of Marriage
Marriage involves certain ownership rights. Husbands and wives own one another. This applies to more than simply the physical relationship. My wife must not only save her body for me, but her emotions as well. I would be devastated to find that, while my wife was physically faithful to me, she had romantic feelings toward another man. My wife and I owe one another fidelity emotionally as well as physically. We all quickly understand the ownership right husbands and wives have not only of their spouse s body, but of their emotions as well.
Somehow, though, we see no inconsistency in teaching our young people that while prior to their marriage they must save themselves physically for the one God has chosen as their life-long partner, it is healthy for them to be emotionally promiscuous. We permit, and often encourage to the point of pressuring, our young people to give their emotions to first one and then another dating partner. Privileges that God intended to be reserved for His ordained institution of marriage are now flippantly given to this recent man-made institution we call "dating." We have even gone so far as to encourage emotional faithfulness within "steady" temporary relationships. Thus, young unmarried Christian couples who have an understanding that they are "going out" regularly with one another now enjoy the seeming security of emotional ownership rights once reserved for marriage. But as this perceived security is demolished with the inevitable "breaking up" of the relationship our young people develop jaded perspectives and calloused hearts. This "broken heart syndrome" is the all-too-typical experience of many Christian young people. The church seems to be generally either ignoring the problem or simply overwhelmed. Yet our children are being wounded, sometimes irreparably! Does God have an answer?
Emotional Preparation for Marriage
As I have shared these thoughts around the country, honest thinkers often puzzle aloud, "You seem to be rejecting dating. Are you suggesting that we return to arranged marriages, where young people marry someone they may not love?" I really don t believe loveless arranged marriages are God's design, but I certainly see the devastation that has resulted from today s dating patterns. And I am certain God has a solution to the broken heart syndrome for us. Could it be found in the scriptural institution of betrothal?
Let s return to our original question. Why, in scripture, was a legal divorce required to break a betrothal? Further, what is betrothal? Isn t it simply what we now call engagement? Apparently not. Almost universally Bible scholars note that while Biblical betrothal was similar to present day engagement, it was quite different in some significant points (c.f. Zondervan Pictorial Bible Encyclopedia, Unger's Bible Dictionary, Freeman s Manners and Customs of the Bible, etc.). In the Mosaic law, as we will see, God Himself ordained betrothal and specified the rights and responsibilities involved.
In the story of Christ s birth we have an interesting illustration of the practice of betrothal. Joseph was deliberating what he should do with Mary, his betrothed wife, having learned that she was pregnant. Because he was "a just man" he determined to "put her away secretly" (Matt. 1:19). He and Mary as a betrothed couple were committed to marriage. Joseph could only break this commitment if he "put her away" according to Deuteronomy 24:1. The only other alternative was to publicly accuse her as an adulteress, in which case she would be executed by stoning. Scripturally there were three distinct marital states: unmarried, betrothed, and married. Although betrothed couples were not permitted to be physically intimate, they were considered married in the sense of owning one another. For example, if a man seduced or raped a virgin who was not yet betrothed he was required to pay the bride-price to her father and (if the father so desired) marry her (Ex. 22:16-17; Deut. 22:28-29). However if he did the same with either a married or betrothed woman he (and possibly she) was to be executed as an adulterer (Deut. 22:22-27). Although betrothed couples were not yet married, the woman was already referred to as the man s wife (Luke 2:5). By Jewish custom (and Biblical mandate by some interpretations of Deut. 24:5) the betrothal period was one year. If the groom died during that year, his betrothed bride was still considered a widow although the marriage was never consummated. I wonder if this scriptural two-tiered marriage institution may be more than just a curious tradition, a sociological fluke. The law is intended to serve us, even under the new covenant, as a tutor (Gal. 3:24). In scripture physical relations were reserved for marriage and still forbidden during betrothal. What purposes could be served, then, by an officially binding betrothal? What special privileges belonged to betrothal? Clearly the betrothed young people were officially authorized to at least cultivate their emotions of love toward one another. Could this be God s solution to the problem of marrying someone you don t love? I have concluded that God s best for me is to teach my children not to allow themselves to cultivate romantic inclinations toward anyone until they know God has shown them this person is to be their life-long mate. Thus, my children do not participate in dating. Ideally, they don t even allow themselves to dream about romantic relationships. Certainly there will be struggles, but to the degree that they allow me to protect them from the emotional scars my wife and I bear, they will be spared the regrets we suffer.
Personal Testimony
I thank the Lord that he helped my wife, Connie, and me to save ourselves physically for one another. At our wedding we were able to present our bodies to one another as virgins. Yet we both bear deep regrets over our romantic experiences with others prior to our marriage. Perhaps more selfishly, I occasionally am reminded of the fact that Connie had other boyfriends before she was committed to me. I sometimes ponder wistfully what a wonderful thing it would be if I were the first man she had knitted her heart with. She wishes the same about me, but with pain I recognize that I didn t save my heart for her. It is my intention to spare my own children the regrets I bear.
Actually, though, my own later experience did somewhat follow the scriptural principles I now see more clearly. I wanted to marry a wonderful Christian young lady my parents liked, but didn t feel was God s choice for me. Thankfully I purposed not to even discuss marriage with her without their full blessing, although they insisted that they would not hinder me if I proceeded. After repeated unsuccessful attempts to persuade my parents that I knew God s will, I finally committed myself to die to the vision I was sure was of God. I was certain God would work miraculously in revealing His will to my parents. My father, particularly, hinted that I should pray about marrying Connie. After initially resisting the suggestion, I agreed to pray about it. In time the Lord showed me I was to marry Connie.
Although I was not yet "in love" with her (regrettably I had allowed my emotions to focus on the first girl), with my parents encouragement I sought and acquired Connie s parents blessing to marry her. All this took place before I had much emotional attachment to Connie, and certainly before she was at all interested in me. When, with her parents blessing, I proposed to her she had absolutely no idea I was even interested in her. Neither of us were "in love" with the other. In time Connie concluded that I was God s will for her. It was during our engagement period that we actually "fell in love" with one another.
A Practical Recommendation
Let me paint a scenario for you using my own daughter as an example. At age twelve, I took Bethany out to dinner one evening and presented her with a golden necklace with a heart-shaped pendant formed like a padlock. There was a small keyhole and an accompanying key. I presented the pendant and necklace to her and asked her to "Give me your heart" (Prov. 23:26). I explained that I wanted to keep the gold key as a symbol of her trusting me with her emotions. I specifically asked her to not entertain romantic thoughts toward any young man until she and her mother and I together conclude that he is God s choice to be her husband. (There is scriptural precedent for the young people involved to be consulted and consent to a marriage arrangement.) I explained that at the beginning of her marital engagement I would give the gold key to her betrothed, and that although she might not yet love him, she would then be free to aim her heart toward him. Bethany unreservedly entrusted the symbolic gold key into my care, and with it, her heart.
I submit the betrothal model as a more scriptural and much less hurtful pattern of youthful romance than the typical dating game, or even the pattern I defined as "courtship." Just as we teach our young people to reserve themselves physically for marriage, I believe the scriptures call us to train them to reserve their romantic emotions for the betrothal period immediately preceding marriage, having enjoyed the benefit of God-ordained protectors (parents) in helping them seek and find His will for their lifelong companion. In this area, as well as every other area of our lives, our obedience to Scriptural patterns can demonstrate that God s design for us is far superior to anything the world has to offer.
http://www.BoldChristianLiving.com
Copyright 1996 Jonathan Lindvall
To listen online to a humorous audio presentation expanding on these issues, CLICK HERE. This message is available in either audio or video tape through our Resources section. We also have Covenant Necklace & Key sets in gold or silver. For further online articles on this topic, consider The Dangers of Dating: Scriptural Romance--Part 1, and Dating? Courtship? Betrothal? Scriptural Romance--Part 2.
Powered by AkoComment Tweaked Special Edition v.1.4.6
AkoComment © Copyright 2004 by Arthur Konze - www.mamboportal.com
All right reserved |
Home | About Us | Articles | Listen Online | Homeschooling | Contact Us | Online Store | Jireh Gifts | Forums | 
